24/10/10 Birth story

24/10/2010 -11 days old

This is my first time at keeping an online journal. I intended to keep a paper journal through the whole pregnancy, but somehow, 40 weeks later, it never happened and here we are.

Our baby girl was born on 13/10/10 by elective c-section. She was initially due 23/10, but 10 days early we went into hospital at 8am, did all the admission stuff (blood pressure, changed into gown, TED stockings). Husband got dressed in scrubs and we waited in a little room for about half an hour. At 9ish i was taken in to the prep room alone, put on a bed, covered in a warm blanket and eventually given the IV line in my hand. I watched the clock and got upset (I was so nervous!) and listened to the lady in theatre next door having a c/s. Finally, at about 10ish the anaesthetist came in and put in my spinal. It took a few goes - apparently I have a kink in my spine. Eventually it went in and I felt my left side, then right go numb, like when you sit on your leg too long.

After this they wheeled me into theatre, moved me onto the theatre bed and draped me. I could feel them moving my legs, putting in the catheter and setting up the drapes - just sensation, no pain. They gave me an oxygen mask and in came hubby. He sat to the right of my head with the anaesthetist to my left. I had a few moments of feeling ill and my BP went up, but they got onto it right away.

Not 5 minutes after this all happened, we heard a beautiful cry - our little Monkey was born at 10.30am and was crying as soon as her head was out of the incision! Her dad went over and cut the cord then came back with her all wrapped up. She cried and cried while they stitched me up. A lovely nurse took photos for us while we admired our baby. Such a surreal feeling. At one point, the anaesthetist leant over me and asked how I was feeling and I noticed he had a cup of tea in his hands. Very relaxed! 20 minutes later we were in recovery and the midwife gave us skin to skin time and I breastfed Monkey.

I stayed in hospital 3 nights, during which time breastfeeding went steadily downhill. She bruised, cracked and blistered me to the point I was in tears with every feed because of toe curling pain.

The last 11 days have been a blur of no sleep, visitors, pain and blues. I have cried every day, although each day is now getting easier. Well, maybe not easier, but my emotions are more under control. Midwives have come to visit, and so has a lactation consultant (my guardian angel!). We expressed from Monday to Thursday this week just gone to give my body a chance to heal. Friday the LC came by and helped me get good attachment on the left. By Saturday morning we reintroduced the right, and all weekend I've been doing feeds Left, then Right, then express, so each side gets a bit of a break. Monkey sleeps so much better when on the breast. I was so ready to give up but the unfounded guilt of going to formula was too much. I'm still not sure how long we'll breastfeed, but for now my goal is 3 months. Pretty good considering I was just going one day/one feed to the next for so long.

I don't feel as attached to Monkey as I should. Probably because of the feeding problems and the blues. The maternal child health nurse came by on Friday and has signed me up for a PND support group starting Wednesday. Some psychs are coming by tomorrow to assess me, and the LC is coming back again too. The community support here is great.

Tomorrow hubby goes back to work. I'm terrified of that first day alone, especially with monkey not sleeping at night. She's perfect in the day - feeds then sleeps for 3-4 hours. At night though, she's feeding every 1-2 hours. It's utterly exhausting. Hopefully we can get more day sleeps together when hubby is at work. He's been great while he's been home, and I'm just so scared of being alone when he's at work, and being out of my depth.

Ok, hopefully this journal will help me work it all out as we learn how to be parents. This is the hardest, scariest thing I've ever done. But it gets easier, right? Plus, one day, I hope she can read this and hear how she brings us so much joy.